Identity in Christ vs Expectations

Who am I… Over the years I have struggled to work out who I am.

Kevin ‘s daughter? Shaun’s sister? Peter‘s wife? My children’s mother? The Pastor ‘s wife..? That one was probably the hardest for me!

When I first got married. I tried to live up to the expectations of the proverbs 31 Woman. I had been given a study on being a Christian wife based on this passage. Since I’m not a morning person that was a huge struggle having people tell me that I should be getting up with my husband and making his lunch first thing in the morning when he got up at five. This made me feel like I was not being the wife I needed to be, thankfully he told me that he didn’t expect me to get up at that hour of the morning, he was just happy that I provided things to put in his lunchbox and he was happy to pack it himself but there were still those in our life that thought I should and I felt like I was not being a good wife.

I remember one day going to a family gathering at my parents, as my father introduced us all to some new people he introduced my siblings by their title, this is Shaun he owns his own business, this is Lisa, she’s assistant manager at a hotel and so on and so on (there were 6 off us) when he got to me, he just briefly looked in my direction and said and that’s Jo she just stays at home. I don’t believe he meant any harm but it did sting. Don’t get me wrong Peter and I had made the choice that I would stay home with our children and to this day I will tell you I in no way regret it, I think I just got lost in wanting others to seek others approval.

As we got more involved in Church life and became Sunday school teachers, youth group leaders and lots of other roles. I still found that I was unsure of who I was. I kept trying to live up to everyone else’s expectations of what a wife was, what a mother was, what a Sunday school teacher was etc…

Although I was saved at 17 and had a faith in the saving grace of God. I still struggle with my identity.

When Peter was asked to become the associate Pastor of our local church. My first response was there was no way I could be a Pastor ‘s wife. The present Pastor’s wife looked at me and said, “what do you actually think a Pastors wife is?”. That made me think what did I think it was and why? From my experience, it was someone that was very in touch with God, great with people and always had their life together and always had the right words to say in all situations and could quote just the right bible verse when needed. She laughed at this and said that a Pastor’s wife was the wife of the pastor that the only expectations were those I put on myself. Peter took on the roll and the large study load what went with it, and I re-entered the work force.

Sadly, I found that although we had a loving church family, there were still those who had expectations of what the Pastor’s wife would do. Many of them were little things like have the urn on for all church events and cleaning up after. I admit I let myself fall into the expected role, but I did become somewhat resentful of it. After a time of struggle where I felt physically and emotionally exhausted, I came to a point where I realised, I was becoming jaded and unhappy.

Until I was watching a movie with my girls and God spoke to me. I believe God can use many ways to reach us in this case it was through “Diary of a Princess” the quote was “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Wow that one quote helped me see I was looking in the wrong direction when it came to my identity.

In my quiet time I started to look at who was I? What was my identity in Christ?

It turns out— ‘ You will know who you really are when you spend real time with the One who knows you the best.’ – Hosanna Wong.

I realise some important things I am loved by God (John 15:9 “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love.), I am a child of God (John 1:12 Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God), I am created to be his masterpiece (Ephesians 2:10 10 For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.) This was a very important verse for me because as someone who had studied art, I know a masterpiece is considered to be something extraordinary, created by an artist to be one of a kind. So, to be called God ‘s masterpiece, to know that he had created me, and I was special was a blessing.

I didn’t need to be a cookie cutter model of everyone else. I needed to be an individual I needed to be Me. The woman God wanted Me to be.

In life we have so many titles and they are all important. They all form part of our identity but they are not who we are. They do not define us. It is our relationship with Christ that does this. Once I realise this and took more time in studying God’s word and worried less about others’ expectations, I became comfortable in my own skin, knowing who I am.
Also realising I will always be a work in progress. I don’t believe God wants us to be cookie-cutter proverbs 31 women. It is an important passage but we are to use this as a guide, it is not to restrain us, we have freedom in Christ (John 8:36.)
It is important, as you define your identity, that God not be just an aspect of who you are, like “I am a Christian,” or” I am religious,” or “I am spiritual”. Understanding your identity in God starts with understanding who He is, what He says about Himself, and what He says about you. Your identity can be defined by who God is making you to be in His image.

There are many verses in the Bible that speak about our identity in Christ. It’s a study well worth doing.

Love Jo